I want a glass of wine.
I want a beer.
I want to be drunk.
I want to be high.
I want to socialise.
I want to be loved.
I want to take part.
I want to be outgoing.
I want to be with a group of friends in a bar or a club.
I want to be out of my head.
I want to be numb.
I want to escape.
On the 1st of July, I committed to a life of sobriety. Due to a few reasons, but the underlying reason was because I knew I was addicted. I was addicted to alcohol and substances, which allowed me to become outgoing through shaking off the shackles of my social anxiety and introversion. When under the influence, I was able to temporarily provide myself with all of the things I wanted. That was perfect. Until the effect wore off.
It’s changed now. I’ve changed. Since the first of July, I haven’t looked back. I have completely detoxed myself from alcohol and substances. I no longer crave and desire them, I just desire what they make me feel, but I think that’s normal.
I wish I had an epiphany moment – a time where I can say “that’s where it all changed”; but I don’t.
I believe I had just become tired. Tired of not looking my depression and anxiety in the eye. Tired of temporary fixes. Tired of everything being superficial:
Everything that we need as a species I was getting in small, compact, superficial packages. I’m not just talking about myself, this is the case for the majority of young people in this generation. I am just lucky enough to 1. Be aware of it and 2. Have the power to fight against it.
We are a generation walking on a treadmill of faux-energy.
Powered through drugs and technology. Facebook provides us with the acknowledgement and connection we crave. Instagram shows us the highlight reels of other zombies, and gives us mindless comparison. Tinder allows us one night of intimacy and love. Alcohol and drugs feed us the dopamine and serotonin we shamefully lack. Video games open a door to a world we would rather live in. Antidepressants prescribe us with a stool to reach for the lockers that hide our happiness. Sleeping tablets press the pause button for us, so we can wait until we feel able to resume. Bosses gift us with praise, so we can continue to tick their boxes and add digits to our worth.
It’s all fake. It is all wrong. Those that live like this (most), and are not aware of this fact, I pity. Those that live like this, and are aware of this (a lot), are weak. Those that are aware of this, and are fighting against it, are not only the enlightened minority, but are the latest generation of the strong renaissance man.
I have a few people to thank for my enlightenment, and to those people I owe the world. However, I also have myself to thank for never giving up. I have, and continue to, fight against panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, depression and suicide. I am in recovery. I am in a self-declared war against superficiality, disconnection and desire for everything I feel I want.
I’m at war. You should be, too.
Tyler Durden: I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables – slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war… Our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won’t. We’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.